thats how ive felt lately, just not in the mood, for anything really. work has consumed my soul, almost entirely. i feel like im on a downward spiral, into my oh-so-familiar pit of despair, which ive been visiting regularly lately. it has been a couple of things, to be honest. and ive compiled a list of said things:
1.) My douche bag of a sperm donor father
2.) Work (surprisingly this one is second)
3.) My personaly life going to shit
4.) That fucking speeding ticket
5.) Just life in general
these 5 things have kept me from achieving happiness, that and i think im clincially depressed, but who isnt these days? aside from that, these also happen to be my faults. my father has fucked my life indeffinatly, im always pussy whiped at work, ive never really have had a personal life, and my life just sucks on a 24/7 basis. i have my ups and downs, but nothing ever long term. i have this crazy idea that things will get better if i can find a bf, but i know it isnt true. im just sick of my life, i want my life to be like a video game, so i can hit the off button when i loose and come back to it when i feel like it, but that wouold be to easy, wouldnt it?
i just dont know how im going to deal with work AND school AND moving this august, i dont know if im going to survive, especially the way im feeling right now. i have no life, never have never will, work sucks, and im about to lose any friends ive made in the last six months, for the most part. i want to give up, but life moves on
w/e, im outie, its bed time
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
bad day
that doesnt even begin to describe the day i had today, i know its been awhile, almost a month. im tired, and i have to be up in 8 hours, so ill make this quick. im sure we've all contemplated death every now and again, but what would it take for one of us to actually go thru with it? would it be so much as a crapy day, or so much as a family member dying. all i know is that is was on my mind today, and i didnt want to go away. i know i have complete control over my thoughts, but these were out of my grasp, and flooded my mind, the scenarios that i played thru my mind, were semi-maschocistic, to say the least. im not going to go into detail, but they were bad. the way i deal with my emotions is not thru self mutalation, but thru pshycological mutalation, playing these scenes in my head for what it would be like for me to die, experiencing my own funeral, in a 3rd person perspective, and what it would be like for my friends and family to go on without me. i know it wouldnt be that grave of a loss, my mom has 4 other kids and my friends are stronger than that. but why would i do this to myself, i know im too much of a pussy to actually cut myself, but this pshycological terrorism im playing on myself, why do i do it? is it because daddy was never there, or mommy never loved me? i dont have the answers to these questions, i dont i expect you to, i just expect you to listen nonchalantley and nod your head like you give a damn, or something along those lines. this blog was due to a number of transactions that occurred today, that built up to a breaking point i had, and the realization of what manifested from it.
so now i bid you all a good night
so now i bid you all a good night
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Some Better News
I think im starting to feel better. i met with our store's franchise owner again the other night, he also brought our Vegas Promotional Manager with him, as well as our district manager and other higher-ups in our company. The owner pulled me aside personally and introduced me to all of them, and told me that i was doing a fantastic job in drive-thru and deemed me the "Drive-Thru King", bragging about how i was making near record sales. Personally, I was scared shitless. I met the owner once before, and that was during a store evaluation, which we passed with flying colors. I was so nervous and coming up with pre-determined answers for ever question that came to mind, but they all dissapeared when i came face-to-face with everyone. They asked me how i liked working there and about college, mainly just the usuall questions, but not in a 3rd degree type way. Then i polietly excused myself and went back to work, and my managers then gave me the 3rd degree, asking me what he asked me, what i said, what they were like. i was wondering, "havent you guys met these people?" but from their questions, i would say no.
Also, i asked my manager if i could switch sunday with someone else because i have family leaving that day, and she told me that i could just have the day off. i told her that i was already taking 4 days off for my sisters and my borthday, plus a concert, so i just wanted to switch. she says that i do so well at my job, that she would be more than happy to give me sunday off, that i was part of her A-team. When she said that, i was taken back almost. not once in my whole eintire life have i ever been part of an A-team, or even a winning team of any kind of significance. the fact that she told me that made my day. But today was a different story. I had to go in and train on a new coffee machine that we just bought, which also happens to be worth $16,000. but thats what im bitching about, my manager had introduced me to the training manager as one of her best drive-thru crew members. they are always bragging about how well i do in drive-thru, and its the only thing i do do when im there. she says im the strongest crew member in drive-thru because i have such great cistomer service skills, that mine are well above any other crew members' skill. it frustrated me to say the least, why? because i hate it when other people gloat or brag about me, especially infront of me. for me, its not an ego booster, its a sign of ignorance, that they have to brag about me to make their store look better. its one thing when i brag about myself, its another when someone i barely know does it for me. i dont like to brag about my job related skills, its just something i dont do, i find it highly unproffessional and very unsociable. i would much rather brag about my achievements throughout life, however few they may be, but atleast its not work.
in my personal opinion, if they spent as much time invested in me, than they do on the other crew members, then they would have other crew members up to skill level, or beyond. but the dont, they dont even try. the other day one kid got sent home after only being there for 2 hrs, and me being there for almost 6. granted i was the choice over him to stay, but i would have gladly gone home so he could work. its like the have me set on this fucking pedistal, and all i wanna do is jump off of it and give them the finger. its all so frustrating, all this business politics, i say bah-humbug and let me do my fucking job for christ sakes
Also, i asked my manager if i could switch sunday with someone else because i have family leaving that day, and she told me that i could just have the day off. i told her that i was already taking 4 days off for my sisters and my borthday, plus a concert, so i just wanted to switch. she says that i do so well at my job, that she would be more than happy to give me sunday off, that i was part of her A-team. When she said that, i was taken back almost. not once in my whole eintire life have i ever been part of an A-team, or even a winning team of any kind of significance. the fact that she told me that made my day. But today was a different story. I had to go in and train on a new coffee machine that we just bought, which also happens to be worth $16,000. but thats what im bitching about, my manager had introduced me to the training manager as one of her best drive-thru crew members. they are always bragging about how well i do in drive-thru, and its the only thing i do do when im there. she says im the strongest crew member in drive-thru because i have such great cistomer service skills, that mine are well above any other crew members' skill. it frustrated me to say the least, why? because i hate it when other people gloat or brag about me, especially infront of me. for me, its not an ego booster, its a sign of ignorance, that they have to brag about me to make their store look better. its one thing when i brag about myself, its another when someone i barely know does it for me. i dont like to brag about my job related skills, its just something i dont do, i find it highly unproffessional and very unsociable. i would much rather brag about my achievements throughout life, however few they may be, but atleast its not work.
in my personal opinion, if they spent as much time invested in me, than they do on the other crew members, then they would have other crew members up to skill level, or beyond. but the dont, they dont even try. the other day one kid got sent home after only being there for 2 hrs, and me being there for almost 6. granted i was the choice over him to stay, but i would have gladly gone home so he could work. its like the have me set on this fucking pedistal, and all i wanna do is jump off of it and give them the finger. its all so frustrating, all this business politics, i say bah-humbug and let me do my fucking job for christ sakes
Thursday, March 12, 2009
these feelings
ive been having these feelings lately. feelings of emptiness, feelings of despair. i dont know, ive just been kind of down lately. after having to deny that company my place in its company, it just went downhill from there. i guess i just got comfortable where i am, working a regular job, making money again, albiet a fraction of what i was making, its an income again. i really dont know what to do again, im barely surviving. i feel like im drowning, but not that kind of "out in the middle of the ocean with noo life raft" kind of drowning, im talking about the "i was knocked out and am now drowning in 3" of water" kind of drowning, the kind where youd be embarassed if people found out you died like that. i feel, stuck. like im in a rut, in a big rut, i did happen to hit a nice little high point in this rut, but now i feel like im at the lowest point in this "rut". i see no more high points, just a plateu of emptiness. the worst part if it is, is that i feel alone, very alone. i know you guys are there for me, you guys have been there for me more than every, and i thank you. but this feeling, this feeling of emptiness and lonliness, its horrible. i cant stand it, i really cant. that, and being pooped 24/7 doesnt help either, i know i have no right to complain, because all of you are either in school or are starting new careers, where am i? the smae place i was before i moved to TX, at a mcdonalds. and im aware, i put myself in this position. i chose to be here, it was my choice. now i get to suffer for them. but the thing is, i dont wanna suffer. i want to thrive, but its so hard, i really do wanna succeed. im at a loss right now, i truly am. and i dont know where to go.
its been awhile
it has been, but i have stories as well as rants, to fill that ever so minuscule void in your life, that only i can fill, lol. well, lets see, what have i done? i think im slowly, but surely filling that void at work known as language. i practice it every day at work, trying to learn more and more, and peel away the adversity between me and the other employees. its so frustrating, working somewhere where two languages are spoken, and some people only know that one language, others try to learn, thankfully im onr of those people. there is only one person i can thank for this, mrs diangelo. my good ol' spanish teacher, from a good 3-4 years ago. i may not have payed much attention in class, but i payed enough to communicate, and i thank her for teaching it to me. i dont know if you guys can say this, but getting asked to bring the tea dispensers back, and mistaking "tea pot" with "coffee pot" is one of the most embarassing things i have been through in a long time. to have your manager and fellow employees laugh at you because YOU couldnt understand THEM.
i know for a fact that they wont make any attempt to try and build a bridge, so thats why i have to build it for them, so i can cross it, not them. im not trying to push myself on them, im trying to better understand them. it really urks me when people laugh at me, not because i made a joke or something, but because i failed at something. when they laughed at me for making that mistake, i wanted to leave, quit. right then and there, i would have thrown down my name tag and rubbed my hat into the floor. when is it EVER right to laugh at someone when they dont understand you? when is it EVER right for someone of authority, at your workplace, to mock you infront of other employees, openly, IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! that is what urks me, that is what pisses me off, is when someone of higher power mocks you due to ignorance. ill admit it, im ignorant to the spanish language and culture, but that doesnt give you the right to laugh at me because of it. ill be glad to see the day when that stupid bitch gets fired, and from what ive been hearing, its gonna be soon.
on to more positive things. umm, well theres only one i can think of off the top of my head, and that was getting my baby fixed. my baby Caroline, my car. i dont have a baby, just my car. i finally got her fixed. i need the brakes changed,, badly. and i guess i didnt know how badly enough. when i went to go and get my brakes changed, the original quote was going to be around $100 to get my brakes done, but when they took the tires off it was a whole different story. i guess i had worn into the rotars, and that was due to faulty calipers. so, on top of my brakes, i had to replace 2 calipers and 2 rotars, each costing about $100 a pop. so i ended up spending somewhere around $550. i know, i about shit myself as well. but thankfully i had my tax return in hand, and that happened to be about half. on top of it, i had to go and get my plates and license and changed as well, and getting the car smogged and inspected wasnt fun as well, poking and proding. it made me feel a little uneasy, knowing someone was doing something to my car that i didnt know how to do, but its there job, so i set those feelings aside. im just happy that my baby is back, so happy. i no longer have to use my sister's Carolla, which is small, and cramped. i drove it from bakersfield to texas, i wasnt to keen on driving the damned thing again.
i know for a fact that they wont make any attempt to try and build a bridge, so thats why i have to build it for them, so i can cross it, not them. im not trying to push myself on them, im trying to better understand them. it really urks me when people laugh at me, not because i made a joke or something, but because i failed at something. when they laughed at me for making that mistake, i wanted to leave, quit. right then and there, i would have thrown down my name tag and rubbed my hat into the floor. when is it EVER right to laugh at someone when they dont understand you? when is it EVER right for someone of authority, at your workplace, to mock you infront of other employees, openly, IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! that is what urks me, that is what pisses me off, is when someone of higher power mocks you due to ignorance. ill admit it, im ignorant to the spanish language and culture, but that doesnt give you the right to laugh at me because of it. ill be glad to see the day when that stupid bitch gets fired, and from what ive been hearing, its gonna be soon.
on to more positive things. umm, well theres only one i can think of off the top of my head, and that was getting my baby fixed. my baby Caroline, my car. i dont have a baby, just my car. i finally got her fixed. i need the brakes changed,, badly. and i guess i didnt know how badly enough. when i went to go and get my brakes changed, the original quote was going to be around $100 to get my brakes done, but when they took the tires off it was a whole different story. i guess i had worn into the rotars, and that was due to faulty calipers. so, on top of my brakes, i had to replace 2 calipers and 2 rotars, each costing about $100 a pop. so i ended up spending somewhere around $550. i know, i about shit myself as well. but thankfully i had my tax return in hand, and that happened to be about half. on top of it, i had to go and get my plates and license and changed as well, and getting the car smogged and inspected wasnt fun as well, poking and proding. it made me feel a little uneasy, knowing someone was doing something to my car that i didnt know how to do, but its there job, so i set those feelings aside. im just happy that my baby is back, so happy. i no longer have to use my sister's Carolla, which is small, and cramped. i drove it from bakersfield to texas, i wasnt to keen on driving the damned thing again.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Chance I Never Got
i just want to take this time to thank everyone who has been there for me in the past 4-5 months, because ive never have gotten around to actually thanking anyone, formally atleast. so here we go
amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end
kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me
ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.
kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends
mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.
mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me
amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end
kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me
ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.
kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends
mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.
mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
death on my shoulder
fuck my life, seriously
in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me
why?
this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham
im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it
but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap
i love you guys and just thought id update you
ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass
in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me
why?
this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham
im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it
but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap
i love you guys and just thought id update you
ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass
Sunday, February 8, 2009
a side blog
so i started a side blog, pertaining to my new work life, which is quite funny. go read it. now. jewboy3000.blogspot.com
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
FUCK YOUR FRIES!!
AND FUCK MCDONALDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
today was the third time theyve had to send me home, due some sort of technical issue. first it was that they didnt have my uniform, understandable, then it was because they wanted to switch me to anothwer mcdonalds, ok thats cool, then they switched me back to the one im SUPPOSED to be working at now, now its because they dont have my uniform.
im done, i knew this jib was going to be to good to be true
but i applied to another place, they sounded promising
if i get this new job, its fuck you to mcdonalds
madcore
today was the third time theyve had to send me home, due some sort of technical issue. first it was that they didnt have my uniform, understandable, then it was because they wanted to switch me to anothwer mcdonalds, ok thats cool, then they switched me back to the one im SUPPOSED to be working at now, now its because they dont have my uniform.
im done, i knew this jib was going to be to good to be true
but i applied to another place, they sounded promising
if i get this new job, its fuck you to mcdonalds
madcore
Monday, February 2, 2009
rawr
so, ive been reading everyone's blogs lately, and they all seem kinda downer-ish. i know times are rough, and things look pretty grim, but go out and party. i did this weekend, and there is only one word to describe my past weekend, epic.
hold on little birdies, ill feed ya, lol
my sister in law invited me to a lingerie party on friday, so im like omf, naked people. the thought never crossed my mind of me being naked, but as it would be, i found myself strutting around this party for the most part, in my boxers and a t-shirt. it was so much fun, and yes, alcohol was involved. what is a college party without a keg and some jello shooters? stagnet and boring, thats what it is!!!! lol, i met 3 of the coolest girls in this whole town, and some very good looking ausies, emphasis on good looking, lol. so the party ended, amd i had no clue how i ended up on the couch with a half naked ausie on the floor next to me, and no we didnt do anything, im pretty sure i would have remembered something like that.
so i fix us some grub and make our way to the pool to chillax for a couple hours, after that we get invited to an ASU rugby party, intense? yes. it was amazing, but i was in no place to go looking for a man, i wasnt drunk enough to get my ass physically castrated in front of half of ASU's rugby team, but i once again met some really cool people.
all in all, i had an amazing weekend, im not going to write about sunday bc im still sulking :'(
hold on little birdies, ill feed ya, lol
my sister in law invited me to a lingerie party on friday, so im like omf, naked people. the thought never crossed my mind of me being naked, but as it would be, i found myself strutting around this party for the most part, in my boxers and a t-shirt. it was so much fun, and yes, alcohol was involved. what is a college party without a keg and some jello shooters? stagnet and boring, thats what it is!!!! lol, i met 3 of the coolest girls in this whole town, and some very good looking ausies, emphasis on good looking, lol. so the party ended, amd i had no clue how i ended up on the couch with a half naked ausie on the floor next to me, and no we didnt do anything, im pretty sure i would have remembered something like that.
so i fix us some grub and make our way to the pool to chillax for a couple hours, after that we get invited to an ASU rugby party, intense? yes. it was amazing, but i was in no place to go looking for a man, i wasnt drunk enough to get my ass physically castrated in front of half of ASU's rugby team, but i once again met some really cool people.
all in all, i had an amazing weekend, im not going to write about sunday bc im still sulking :'(
Thursday, January 29, 2009
in dire need of a hug
if hugs could be my drug, id be considered an addict. i crave physical contact, especially right now, in this time of my life. i almost lost my sister, but she is healing at a remarkable rate, a point to where it is almost unreal. i also just lost my father, no he is not dead, physically, but he is dead to me on an emotional sense. he kicked me to the curb for a daughter that is going to run away. and no, i do not blame her, but i thank her.
why?
she showed me how much of a sick and thoughtless man my sperm donor is. he is one of the most despicable people i know on this planet, no he may not kill children or anything like that, but he leads people on, getting your hopes so high, even helping you, egging them on, then he crushes everything down with only a few words. "then pack your shit and leave" were the last words he said to my face, and i felt like a dagger go right through my heart. it pains me to even write this, because i know i no longer have someone to call 'dad'. deep down i know ill go on, i have for the past 10 years of my life, but i need to get to that deep down feeling. my nerves and emotions have been scrapped raw this past month. getting kicked out 4 days before xmas, my little sister almost making my mom kill herself, my other sister almost dying, my father disowning me because im gay, and that was in 2 weeks!
i moved away to get away from the drama, i moved 2 FUCKING STATES AWAY, but it somehow keeps finding me, no matter how far i move. some days i wish life would just come up with a silver platter, and on that platter would be keys to my new house in seattle, my new career, and a picture of my one and true love. but i know that wont happen, never in my wildest dreams will that ever happen. nothing has come to me on a silver platter, not even a bronze one. i just wish life would ease up a bit on me. im trying so hard, i really am. i wish everyone could see how hard im working, struggling more like it. ive tried so hard to find a good job, a nice job that i could tolerate, but mcdonalds happened to be my savior.
been there. done that.
if people could stop being so effing stupid and greedy and hatefull, life would be so much better, so much. i know im asking for alot, but could we just put down the beer can, put out the cigarrette and be civalized for like 5 seconds? is it truly that hard for you to fucking grow up, and take the blame for what you and your fucking whore of a wife have caused? is it really that hard? ive taken fault for my past, and what ive done, why cant you? its not that hard, just say 'im sorry for being a fucking shitty dad, and never being there for you like i should have' and mean it with fuck sincerity, not just to make me feel better. i want you to feel what youve done to me, what youve made of me. i want you to feel what ive felt for the past 10 years. no, i take that back. if i made you feel that, youd kill yourself because youre so weak and pittyfull. no longer will you have the right to call me your son, tell me youre my father, because youve lost that right. but you know what the sad part is? i now longer have anyone to call dad. i know im gonna have some pretty effed up relationships because of that too. i also know if i blame you for this, ill just make the problem worse.
so here it is.
im sorry for being such a shitty son, im sorry for not trying to call you more often, im sorry for letting you get so drunk that youd hit mom. im sorry that you smoked to much crystal meth to go to work and pass your drug test. im sorry that you went to jail all those times for public disputes at bars. im sorry for not doing anything at all because i was only 8.
but the only thing im sincerly sorry for is that little voice in your head that would say 'you know this is wrong, so why are you doing it?' im sorry because you killed that little voice a long time ago, and thats why you are where you are now, in a little shitty town, in a little shitty house, in your little shitty life.
im done, good night
why?
she showed me how much of a sick and thoughtless man my sperm donor is. he is one of the most despicable people i know on this planet, no he may not kill children or anything like that, but he leads people on, getting your hopes so high, even helping you, egging them on, then he crushes everything down with only a few words. "then pack your shit and leave" were the last words he said to my face, and i felt like a dagger go right through my heart. it pains me to even write this, because i know i no longer have someone to call 'dad'. deep down i know ill go on, i have for the past 10 years of my life, but i need to get to that deep down feeling. my nerves and emotions have been scrapped raw this past month. getting kicked out 4 days before xmas, my little sister almost making my mom kill herself, my other sister almost dying, my father disowning me because im gay, and that was in 2 weeks!
i moved away to get away from the drama, i moved 2 FUCKING STATES AWAY, but it somehow keeps finding me, no matter how far i move. some days i wish life would just come up with a silver platter, and on that platter would be keys to my new house in seattle, my new career, and a picture of my one and true love. but i know that wont happen, never in my wildest dreams will that ever happen. nothing has come to me on a silver platter, not even a bronze one. i just wish life would ease up a bit on me. im trying so hard, i really am. i wish everyone could see how hard im working, struggling more like it. ive tried so hard to find a good job, a nice job that i could tolerate, but mcdonalds happened to be my savior.
been there. done that.
if people could stop being so effing stupid and greedy and hatefull, life would be so much better, so much. i know im asking for alot, but could we just put down the beer can, put out the cigarrette and be civalized for like 5 seconds? is it truly that hard for you to fucking grow up, and take the blame for what you and your fucking whore of a wife have caused? is it really that hard? ive taken fault for my past, and what ive done, why cant you? its not that hard, just say 'im sorry for being a fucking shitty dad, and never being there for you like i should have' and mean it with fuck sincerity, not just to make me feel better. i want you to feel what youve done to me, what youve made of me. i want you to feel what ive felt for the past 10 years. no, i take that back. if i made you feel that, youd kill yourself because youre so weak and pittyfull. no longer will you have the right to call me your son, tell me youre my father, because youve lost that right. but you know what the sad part is? i now longer have anyone to call dad. i know im gonna have some pretty effed up relationships because of that too. i also know if i blame you for this, ill just make the problem worse.
so here it is.
im sorry for being such a shitty son, im sorry for not trying to call you more often, im sorry for letting you get so drunk that youd hit mom. im sorry that you smoked to much crystal meth to go to work and pass your drug test. im sorry that you went to jail all those times for public disputes at bars. im sorry for not doing anything at all because i was only 8.
but the only thing im sincerly sorry for is that little voice in your head that would say 'you know this is wrong, so why are you doing it?' im sorry because you killed that little voice a long time ago, and thats why you are where you are now, in a little shitty town, in a little shitty house, in your little shitty life.
im done, good night
Monday, January 19, 2009
Gah
life seriously sucks right now. why??
i just found out my sister was emitted to the hospital last night due to first and second degree burns on her face and ears. she also inhaled some of the fire so it partially burned her lungs, so shes in the oxygen unit at shermans hospital down in la. theyre saying she will need surgery to removed some of the burnt skin on her face, and they will have to put her under because it will be too painfull if she was awake. i feel so bad right now for her, she was so self-concious about her face due to her acne before this, but im sure she wont even want to walk outside the house now, let alone go to school
there is one and only one person to blame for this, and his name is sean. he thought it would be a bright idea to dump some gasoline into a bon fire my sister was sitting next to. the bon fire exploded and burned my sister, also inaling the fire. i was shocked to find out that this had happened, i thought he would know better than to do something so idiotic, but ive been wrong about people before. im so worried and scared right now, thank god ill be there to see her this weekend.
to top all of this off, i have to testify in court against my dad, or the man im supposed to call my dad. i know how some of you a very close with your fathers, and have decent relationships with them, i just wish i could say the same. he divorced my mom when i was 8, and then left for texas. 3 years later he came back with the whore who is now known as my stepmother, already knocked up. he then left for texas three years after moving back to bakersfield. he never called, and if we did talk to him, we were the ones who called. hes never been there for me or my sisters, we always had to initiate anything remotely concerning a relationship with him. thats why i have no remorse testifying against him in court. im sure things would be different if he would have had the backbone to try and have a relationship with us, but he doesnt because hes nothing but a worthless worm. say what you want about having a father in your life, but ive come this far without one, im sure i can go on in life without him as well.
im just done with life right now at the moment, nothing positive has hapened to me other than the mcd's job, which will get its own blog, but my battery is dying, so im off. peace and love
i just found out my sister was emitted to the hospital last night due to first and second degree burns on her face and ears. she also inhaled some of the fire so it partially burned her lungs, so shes in the oxygen unit at shermans hospital down in la. theyre saying she will need surgery to removed some of the burnt skin on her face, and they will have to put her under because it will be too painfull if she was awake. i feel so bad right now for her, she was so self-concious about her face due to her acne before this, but im sure she wont even want to walk outside the house now, let alone go to school
there is one and only one person to blame for this, and his name is sean. he thought it would be a bright idea to dump some gasoline into a bon fire my sister was sitting next to. the bon fire exploded and burned my sister, also inaling the fire. i was shocked to find out that this had happened, i thought he would know better than to do something so idiotic, but ive been wrong about people before. im so worried and scared right now, thank god ill be there to see her this weekend.
to top all of this off, i have to testify in court against my dad, or the man im supposed to call my dad. i know how some of you a very close with your fathers, and have decent relationships with them, i just wish i could say the same. he divorced my mom when i was 8, and then left for texas. 3 years later he came back with the whore who is now known as my stepmother, already knocked up. he then left for texas three years after moving back to bakersfield. he never called, and if we did talk to him, we were the ones who called. hes never been there for me or my sisters, we always had to initiate anything remotely concerning a relationship with him. thats why i have no remorse testifying against him in court. im sure things would be different if he would have had the backbone to try and have a relationship with us, but he doesnt because hes nothing but a worthless worm. say what you want about having a father in your life, but ive come this far without one, im sure i can go on in life without him as well.
im just done with life right now at the moment, nothing positive has hapened to me other than the mcd's job, which will get its own blog, but my battery is dying, so im off. peace and love
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thank godd For McDonalds
im not even kidding you, those losers hired me right on the spot, i was so excited, but depressed at the same time.
why you ask?
im working at mcdonlads
again
nuff said
atleast now im getting some cash flow again. but as soon as i find a better paying job, its adios mcshitters
hahahahaha
why you ask?
im working at mcdonlads
again
nuff said
atleast now im getting some cash flow again. but as soon as i find a better paying job, its adios mcshitters
hahahahaha
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Thoughts That Hurts Us
Over the past several weeks, ive had memories come back to me, hurtful and painful memories. i dont know why they came back, but they did. it gave me a huge migraine and almost made me vomit. why do we keep those memories around? when i make a major mistake, i make sure to remember it, so that i wont do something like that again, and try to learn from it. those scars are emoti0onal and physical. these memories are different, they haunt me, but i dont know why. i usually let things like this go, but i cant. it hurt so bad, and i felt digusted with myself after it happened, not even a searing hot shower could wash away the filth that was covering my body. the memories of that event came back when i was visiting bako a couple weeks ago, when i went to go visit him. i was on speaking terms with him again, but i knew deep down inside i just felt sorry for him, and that was the only reaqson i kept on talking to him. atleast thats what i keep on telling myself. he took adavntage of my carring personality, and used it against me. i cant say what he did, but he did it, and i have so me regret being with him. he was always a black hole of happiness, always knew how to make me feel like shit, and bend my will. it makes me sick to think about what happened, but i need to get over it, and this seems to be helping. well kidos, its time for daddy to go and make dinner, peace and good will my friends
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Life in General at The Moment
well, here it goes, blog numero uno. thank you amanda for leading me here. i never thought that i would blog in my day, never had the passion to, but im doing this to vent, not solely, but thats one of the main puposes. as of right now, im done with life, ive been thrown one too many curve balls and im about to strike out. im at the edge of existince, and it feels like no one truely cares. Ive left my pittiful existince in texas to live here in arizona, but it feels like nothings changed, except the lack of chain smokers and alcoholics for romodels. im jobless, about to be broke, and single. im pretty sure the only thing that could be worse is if i was a quadroplegic or dead (i apologize to the quadroplegics, just making a similie) im so depressed tight now, even after i saw EVERYONE at new years, it doesnt change the fact that im still dead on the inside. those of you who know me, only know the venire i put on, the fake me, the one who is always happy go lucky, or soemthing along those lines. i spit in that mans face. if you were to really know me, the real me, youd shit a brick, but some of you who do know me do know that side, and i have to say im ashamed of myself for letting people know that side. im ashamed of myself for letting myself get that weak to where i needed to rely upon others for support. im supposed to be the rock, the support, the one whom people rely upon, but ive let myself get that weak, its all my own fault. there are those who have caused me to act that way, but in the end its all just me and my weaknesses.
one of them happens to be being alone. i cant stand being alone, but im sure no one likes to be alone, but i cant stand it. i have been alone for as long as i remember, i have no father, he ditched me about 11 years ago for some filthy whore he found in texas, which he knocked up and is now stuck with until the kid reaches 18, but he may leave before that because he did it with me, so im pretty sure he'll do it with his new kid. i dont resent his new son, but i feel sorry for him, because he will have to endure the hardships of having an alcoholic for a mother and father. i barely knew my father until this past summer, and i came to know him as the spineless good for nothing worm my mother recognizes him as. he has nothing to be proud of, drugs and women have ravaged his life, he has also fallen to the insetious temptaions of his cousins. im disgusted to call this man my father, yet im forced to because he happened to be my sperm donnar trying to get lucky with my mom, in which he succeeded. he also has inpossesion of the filthy, back stabbing whore im once again FORCED to call my sister. those of you who know what happened, you know what im talking about, for those of you who do know, ill wait for another blog post, im goin on somethin feirce here. if i were to meet with her in person, i can honestly say i would kill her, with my own two hands, and suffer any consequences that appear otherwise. she is dead to me, nothing but a two-bit whore looking to get her next fix on some other guy. i can understand that she grew up with out a father, but so did i. the only remotely wrong thing with me is im depressed like hell and a fag, but i can live with that. she on the other hand surrounds herself with older men and tries to get down their pants to make her feel better about herself, and making that guy feel better about raping a teenager, which im sure she lied about her age. i give her no credit anymore, i have no remorse for her anymore, she is nothing to me anymore, but why do i keep these horrible feelings towoards her? sure, she ruined my life, shattered the relationship that I BUILT between me and my father, the one I WORKED to build, and in less than 24 hours she ruined 6 months of hard work, my work. but alas, i have forgiven her for that, because it was my dad who played the biggest part in ruining our relationship, it was him who threw down the hammer, and shattered the thin glass bridge i had built to reconnect what was lost, and it is now he who must suffer. she just gets to sleep in the bed shes made for herself.
if you asked me a week ago how i felt about living here, but ask me now, im second guessing it. should i have kept my mouth shut, and lived unhappily, living with the whore who almost killed my mother? i couldnt do that to myself, but why am i still so unhappy, is it the lack of money? i can say that having all the money i did at my dads never made me happy, but now only being 6 hours awat from my mom and friends, i can say that im still unhappy, so i know its not money. am i just generally depressed? i dont know how to feel, but i try to look for that silver lining in the sky, try to embelish on the good parts of my life., but right now i cant for some reason. im sure i havent lost the ability to do so, because i can do it for other people, but just not for me at the moment. i know things are going to get better, but when will they get better? im not the one to be impatient with these things, but for once in my life id like things to be handed to ME on the silver platter, instead of having to fight tooth and nail to get the scraps of it. i can say that life hasnt been easy for me, but neither can the other 3/4 of the world. im just tired of having to work so hard for so little. i feel ive take three steps forward, but 10 steps back. i know im just ranting, but stay with me, i promise its going to get good. i know my friends are going to through some hard times, and im there for them, as their unbiased opinion. i just wish someone could be there for me, to reasure me when im going to make a big decission, someone to just be there for me. i have never asked for much in this measily life of mine, only here and there, but it wasnt anything big, i just want to feel like im safe here, but right now i dont feel safe anywhere, not even in my own bed. i say i know all these things, but in the end, what all do i really know? im only 18, i havent seen the world, i havent ventured anywhere, but when i talk to people older than me, why do they tell me that ive done more than them. sure ive worked 4 jobs, own my car, and have nice things, but none of them make me happy, not a single one. why have i, the one who has never been materialistic, surrounded myself with expensive toys and gifts? i squandered all that money i made out in texas. out of the 15k i made out there, i have $177.26 left in my bank account, and thats going to pay for my car insurance.
im scared at this point, not as scared as i should be, but im scared for what is going to happen in this meager life of mine. im not excited to jmp out of bed everyday and say hello to the morning, id rather give it the finger and say hello to the late afternoon. yes, i may be depressed, but i havent gone to get it clincally approved either. i just wish life wasnt going to be so hard, if i knew all of this was going to happen, i would have sucked it up and stayed at home with mom. im not ready for life, it hit me hard and fast, and im still dazed from it. some of you do have the comforts of knowing that things will be alright, that someone will be there to help you up off your knees when you get knocked down, and i dont envy you, im happy for you. to be honest, i do envy yyou a little, but not enough to ruin my friendship. maybe if i worked harder, id be in the same position, but no one ever told about it. i was just always told to go to college, and that life would be good after that, that everything would just magically appear and i would automaticaly be happy. i now realize that the rain has washed away the sugar coating and make-up to reveal one ugly bitch, i wish i was drunk for this one lol. my dad never wnt to college, he never even had the slightest idea of doing so, my mom did for a little but, but then it got boring for her so she quit. my sister has managed to get her general ed, and is getting her credentials to be a teacher, but she is the only one who can say she has graduated from college, and is going to further her education. is she happy? no, she and her husband are up to their neck in debt, and had to scrounge every nickle and dime just to get her in arizona. i know this because im living with them, in debt. but the weird thing is, she always manages to look past all that to see where she has managed to get herself, i just wish i could do the same. alas, its 1:30 in the morning, and i have to urinate, so goodnight and peace
one of them happens to be being alone. i cant stand being alone, but im sure no one likes to be alone, but i cant stand it. i have been alone for as long as i remember, i have no father, he ditched me about 11 years ago for some filthy whore he found in texas, which he knocked up and is now stuck with until the kid reaches 18, but he may leave before that because he did it with me, so im pretty sure he'll do it with his new kid. i dont resent his new son, but i feel sorry for him, because he will have to endure the hardships of having an alcoholic for a mother and father. i barely knew my father until this past summer, and i came to know him as the spineless good for nothing worm my mother recognizes him as. he has nothing to be proud of, drugs and women have ravaged his life, he has also fallen to the insetious temptaions of his cousins. im disgusted to call this man my father, yet im forced to because he happened to be my sperm donnar trying to get lucky with my mom, in which he succeeded. he also has inpossesion of the filthy, back stabbing whore im once again FORCED to call my sister. those of you who know what happened, you know what im talking about, for those of you who do know, ill wait for another blog post, im goin on somethin feirce here. if i were to meet with her in person, i can honestly say i would kill her, with my own two hands, and suffer any consequences that appear otherwise. she is dead to me, nothing but a two-bit whore looking to get her next fix on some other guy. i can understand that she grew up with out a father, but so did i. the only remotely wrong thing with me is im depressed like hell and a fag, but i can live with that. she on the other hand surrounds herself with older men and tries to get down their pants to make her feel better about herself, and making that guy feel better about raping a teenager, which im sure she lied about her age. i give her no credit anymore, i have no remorse for her anymore, she is nothing to me anymore, but why do i keep these horrible feelings towoards her? sure, she ruined my life, shattered the relationship that I BUILT between me and my father, the one I WORKED to build, and in less than 24 hours she ruined 6 months of hard work, my work. but alas, i have forgiven her for that, because it was my dad who played the biggest part in ruining our relationship, it was him who threw down the hammer, and shattered the thin glass bridge i had built to reconnect what was lost, and it is now he who must suffer. she just gets to sleep in the bed shes made for herself.
if you asked me a week ago how i felt about living here, but ask me now, im second guessing it. should i have kept my mouth shut, and lived unhappily, living with the whore who almost killed my mother? i couldnt do that to myself, but why am i still so unhappy, is it the lack of money? i can say that having all the money i did at my dads never made me happy, but now only being 6 hours awat from my mom and friends, i can say that im still unhappy, so i know its not money. am i just generally depressed? i dont know how to feel, but i try to look for that silver lining in the sky, try to embelish on the good parts of my life., but right now i cant for some reason. im sure i havent lost the ability to do so, because i can do it for other people, but just not for me at the moment. i know things are going to get better, but when will they get better? im not the one to be impatient with these things, but for once in my life id like things to be handed to ME on the silver platter, instead of having to fight tooth and nail to get the scraps of it. i can say that life hasnt been easy for me, but neither can the other 3/4 of the world. im just tired of having to work so hard for so little. i feel ive take three steps forward, but 10 steps back. i know im just ranting, but stay with me, i promise its going to get good. i know my friends are going to through some hard times, and im there for them, as their unbiased opinion. i just wish someone could be there for me, to reasure me when im going to make a big decission, someone to just be there for me. i have never asked for much in this measily life of mine, only here and there, but it wasnt anything big, i just want to feel like im safe here, but right now i dont feel safe anywhere, not even in my own bed. i say i know all these things, but in the end, what all do i really know? im only 18, i havent seen the world, i havent ventured anywhere, but when i talk to people older than me, why do they tell me that ive done more than them. sure ive worked 4 jobs, own my car, and have nice things, but none of them make me happy, not a single one. why have i, the one who has never been materialistic, surrounded myself with expensive toys and gifts? i squandered all that money i made out in texas. out of the 15k i made out there, i have $177.26 left in my bank account, and thats going to pay for my car insurance.
im scared at this point, not as scared as i should be, but im scared for what is going to happen in this meager life of mine. im not excited to jmp out of bed everyday and say hello to the morning, id rather give it the finger and say hello to the late afternoon. yes, i may be depressed, but i havent gone to get it clincally approved either. i just wish life wasnt going to be so hard, if i knew all of this was going to happen, i would have sucked it up and stayed at home with mom. im not ready for life, it hit me hard and fast, and im still dazed from it. some of you do have the comforts of knowing that things will be alright, that someone will be there to help you up off your knees when you get knocked down, and i dont envy you, im happy for you. to be honest, i do envy yyou a little, but not enough to ruin my friendship. maybe if i worked harder, id be in the same position, but no one ever told about it. i was just always told to go to college, and that life would be good after that, that everything would just magically appear and i would automaticaly be happy. i now realize that the rain has washed away the sugar coating and make-up to reveal one ugly bitch, i wish i was drunk for this one lol. my dad never wnt to college, he never even had the slightest idea of doing so, my mom did for a little but, but then it got boring for her so she quit. my sister has managed to get her general ed, and is getting her credentials to be a teacher, but she is the only one who can say she has graduated from college, and is going to further her education. is she happy? no, she and her husband are up to their neck in debt, and had to scrounge every nickle and dime just to get her in arizona. i know this because im living with them, in debt. but the weird thing is, she always manages to look past all that to see where she has managed to get herself, i just wish i could do the same. alas, its 1:30 in the morning, and i have to urinate, so goodnight and peace
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