bad day

that doesnt even begin to describe the day i had today, i know its been awhile, almost a month. im tired, and i have to be up in 8 hours, so ill make this quick. im sure we've all contemplated death every now and again, but what would it take for one of us to actually go thru with it? would it be so much as a crapy day, or so much as a family member dying. all i know is that is was on my mind today, and i didnt want to go away. i know i have complete control over my thoughts, but these were out of my grasp, and flooded my mind, the scenarios that i played thru my mind, were semi-maschocistic, to say the least. im not going to go into detail, but they were bad. the way i deal with my emotions is not thru self mutalation, but thru pshycological mutalation, playing these scenes in my head for what it would be like for me to die, experiencing my own funeral, in a 3rd person perspective, and what it would be like for my friends and family to go on without me. i know it wouldnt be that grave of a loss, my mom has 4 other kids and my friends are stronger than that. but why would i do this to myself, i know im too much of a pussy to actually cut myself, but this pshycological terrorism im playing on myself, why do i do it? is it because daddy was never there, or mommy never loved me? i dont have the answers to these questions, i dont i expect you to, i just expect you to listen nonchalantley and nod your head like you give a damn, or something along those lines. this blog was due to a number of transactions that occurred today, that built up to a breaking point i had, and the realization of what manifested from it.

so now i bid you all a good night