thats how ive felt lately, just not in the mood, for anything really. work has consumed my soul, almost entirely. i feel like im on a downward spiral, into my oh-so-familiar pit of despair, which ive been visiting regularly lately. it has been a couple of things, to be honest. and ive compiled a list of said things:
1.) My douche bag of a sperm donor father
2.) Work (surprisingly this one is second)
3.) My personaly life going to shit
4.) That fucking speeding ticket
5.) Just life in general
these 5 things have kept me from achieving happiness, that and i think im clincially depressed, but who isnt these days? aside from that, these also happen to be my faults. my father has fucked my life indeffinatly, im always pussy whiped at work, ive never really have had a personal life, and my life just sucks on a 24/7 basis. i have my ups and downs, but nothing ever long term. i have this crazy idea that things will get better if i can find a bf, but i know it isnt true. im just sick of my life, i want my life to be like a video game, so i can hit the off button when i loose and come back to it when i feel like it, but that wouold be to easy, wouldnt it?
i just dont know how im going to deal with work AND school AND moving this august, i dont know if im going to survive, especially the way im feeling right now. i have no life, never have never will, work sucks, and im about to lose any friends ive made in the last six months, for the most part. i want to give up, but life moves on
w/e, im outie, its bed time
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
bad day
that doesnt even begin to describe the day i had today, i know its been awhile, almost a month. im tired, and i have to be up in 8 hours, so ill make this quick. im sure we've all contemplated death every now and again, but what would it take for one of us to actually go thru with it? would it be so much as a crapy day, or so much as a family member dying. all i know is that is was on my mind today, and i didnt want to go away. i know i have complete control over my thoughts, but these were out of my grasp, and flooded my mind, the scenarios that i played thru my mind, were semi-maschocistic, to say the least. im not going to go into detail, but they were bad. the way i deal with my emotions is not thru self mutalation, but thru pshycological mutalation, playing these scenes in my head for what it would be like for me to die, experiencing my own funeral, in a 3rd person perspective, and what it would be like for my friends and family to go on without me. i know it wouldnt be that grave of a loss, my mom has 4 other kids and my friends are stronger than that. but why would i do this to myself, i know im too much of a pussy to actually cut myself, but this pshycological terrorism im playing on myself, why do i do it? is it because daddy was never there, or mommy never loved me? i dont have the answers to these questions, i dont i expect you to, i just expect you to listen nonchalantley and nod your head like you give a damn, or something along those lines. this blog was due to a number of transactions that occurred today, that built up to a breaking point i had, and the realization of what manifested from it.
so now i bid you all a good night
so now i bid you all a good night
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Some Better News
I think im starting to feel better. i met with our store's franchise owner again the other night, he also brought our Vegas Promotional Manager with him, as well as our district manager and other higher-ups in our company. The owner pulled me aside personally and introduced me to all of them, and told me that i was doing a fantastic job in drive-thru and deemed me the "Drive-Thru King", bragging about how i was making near record sales. Personally, I was scared shitless. I met the owner once before, and that was during a store evaluation, which we passed with flying colors. I was so nervous and coming up with pre-determined answers for ever question that came to mind, but they all dissapeared when i came face-to-face with everyone. They asked me how i liked working there and about college, mainly just the usuall questions, but not in a 3rd degree type way. Then i polietly excused myself and went back to work, and my managers then gave me the 3rd degree, asking me what he asked me, what i said, what they were like. i was wondering, "havent you guys met these people?" but from their questions, i would say no.
Also, i asked my manager if i could switch sunday with someone else because i have family leaving that day, and she told me that i could just have the day off. i told her that i was already taking 4 days off for my sisters and my borthday, plus a concert, so i just wanted to switch. she says that i do so well at my job, that she would be more than happy to give me sunday off, that i was part of her A-team. When she said that, i was taken back almost. not once in my whole eintire life have i ever been part of an A-team, or even a winning team of any kind of significance. the fact that she told me that made my day. But today was a different story. I had to go in and train on a new coffee machine that we just bought, which also happens to be worth $16,000. but thats what im bitching about, my manager had introduced me to the training manager as one of her best drive-thru crew members. they are always bragging about how well i do in drive-thru, and its the only thing i do do when im there. she says im the strongest crew member in drive-thru because i have such great cistomer service skills, that mine are well above any other crew members' skill. it frustrated me to say the least, why? because i hate it when other people gloat or brag about me, especially infront of me. for me, its not an ego booster, its a sign of ignorance, that they have to brag about me to make their store look better. its one thing when i brag about myself, its another when someone i barely know does it for me. i dont like to brag about my job related skills, its just something i dont do, i find it highly unproffessional and very unsociable. i would much rather brag about my achievements throughout life, however few they may be, but atleast its not work.
in my personal opinion, if they spent as much time invested in me, than they do on the other crew members, then they would have other crew members up to skill level, or beyond. but the dont, they dont even try. the other day one kid got sent home after only being there for 2 hrs, and me being there for almost 6. granted i was the choice over him to stay, but i would have gladly gone home so he could work. its like the have me set on this fucking pedistal, and all i wanna do is jump off of it and give them the finger. its all so frustrating, all this business politics, i say bah-humbug and let me do my fucking job for christ sakes
Also, i asked my manager if i could switch sunday with someone else because i have family leaving that day, and she told me that i could just have the day off. i told her that i was already taking 4 days off for my sisters and my borthday, plus a concert, so i just wanted to switch. she says that i do so well at my job, that she would be more than happy to give me sunday off, that i was part of her A-team. When she said that, i was taken back almost. not once in my whole eintire life have i ever been part of an A-team, or even a winning team of any kind of significance. the fact that she told me that made my day. But today was a different story. I had to go in and train on a new coffee machine that we just bought, which also happens to be worth $16,000. but thats what im bitching about, my manager had introduced me to the training manager as one of her best drive-thru crew members. they are always bragging about how well i do in drive-thru, and its the only thing i do do when im there. she says im the strongest crew member in drive-thru because i have such great cistomer service skills, that mine are well above any other crew members' skill. it frustrated me to say the least, why? because i hate it when other people gloat or brag about me, especially infront of me. for me, its not an ego booster, its a sign of ignorance, that they have to brag about me to make their store look better. its one thing when i brag about myself, its another when someone i barely know does it for me. i dont like to brag about my job related skills, its just something i dont do, i find it highly unproffessional and very unsociable. i would much rather brag about my achievements throughout life, however few they may be, but atleast its not work.
in my personal opinion, if they spent as much time invested in me, than they do on the other crew members, then they would have other crew members up to skill level, or beyond. but the dont, they dont even try. the other day one kid got sent home after only being there for 2 hrs, and me being there for almost 6. granted i was the choice over him to stay, but i would have gladly gone home so he could work. its like the have me set on this fucking pedistal, and all i wanna do is jump off of it and give them the finger. its all so frustrating, all this business politics, i say bah-humbug and let me do my fucking job for christ sakes
Thursday, March 12, 2009
these feelings
ive been having these feelings lately. feelings of emptiness, feelings of despair. i dont know, ive just been kind of down lately. after having to deny that company my place in its company, it just went downhill from there. i guess i just got comfortable where i am, working a regular job, making money again, albiet a fraction of what i was making, its an income again. i really dont know what to do again, im barely surviving. i feel like im drowning, but not that kind of "out in the middle of the ocean with noo life raft" kind of drowning, im talking about the "i was knocked out and am now drowning in 3" of water" kind of drowning, the kind where youd be embarassed if people found out you died like that. i feel, stuck. like im in a rut, in a big rut, i did happen to hit a nice little high point in this rut, but now i feel like im at the lowest point in this "rut". i see no more high points, just a plateu of emptiness. the worst part if it is, is that i feel alone, very alone. i know you guys are there for me, you guys have been there for me more than every, and i thank you. but this feeling, this feeling of emptiness and lonliness, its horrible. i cant stand it, i really cant. that, and being pooped 24/7 doesnt help either, i know i have no right to complain, because all of you are either in school or are starting new careers, where am i? the smae place i was before i moved to TX, at a mcdonalds. and im aware, i put myself in this position. i chose to be here, it was my choice. now i get to suffer for them. but the thing is, i dont wanna suffer. i want to thrive, but its so hard, i really do wanna succeed. im at a loss right now, i truly am. and i dont know where to go.
its been awhile
it has been, but i have stories as well as rants, to fill that ever so minuscule void in your life, that only i can fill, lol. well, lets see, what have i done? i think im slowly, but surely filling that void at work known as language. i practice it every day at work, trying to learn more and more, and peel away the adversity between me and the other employees. its so frustrating, working somewhere where two languages are spoken, and some people only know that one language, others try to learn, thankfully im onr of those people. there is only one person i can thank for this, mrs diangelo. my good ol' spanish teacher, from a good 3-4 years ago. i may not have payed much attention in class, but i payed enough to communicate, and i thank her for teaching it to me. i dont know if you guys can say this, but getting asked to bring the tea dispensers back, and mistaking "tea pot" with "coffee pot" is one of the most embarassing things i have been through in a long time. to have your manager and fellow employees laugh at you because YOU couldnt understand THEM.
i know for a fact that they wont make any attempt to try and build a bridge, so thats why i have to build it for them, so i can cross it, not them. im not trying to push myself on them, im trying to better understand them. it really urks me when people laugh at me, not because i made a joke or something, but because i failed at something. when they laughed at me for making that mistake, i wanted to leave, quit. right then and there, i would have thrown down my name tag and rubbed my hat into the floor. when is it EVER right to laugh at someone when they dont understand you? when is it EVER right for someone of authority, at your workplace, to mock you infront of other employees, openly, IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! that is what urks me, that is what pisses me off, is when someone of higher power mocks you due to ignorance. ill admit it, im ignorant to the spanish language and culture, but that doesnt give you the right to laugh at me because of it. ill be glad to see the day when that stupid bitch gets fired, and from what ive been hearing, its gonna be soon.
on to more positive things. umm, well theres only one i can think of off the top of my head, and that was getting my baby fixed. my baby Caroline, my car. i dont have a baby, just my car. i finally got her fixed. i need the brakes changed,, badly. and i guess i didnt know how badly enough. when i went to go and get my brakes changed, the original quote was going to be around $100 to get my brakes done, but when they took the tires off it was a whole different story. i guess i had worn into the rotars, and that was due to faulty calipers. so, on top of my brakes, i had to replace 2 calipers and 2 rotars, each costing about $100 a pop. so i ended up spending somewhere around $550. i know, i about shit myself as well. but thankfully i had my tax return in hand, and that happened to be about half. on top of it, i had to go and get my plates and license and changed as well, and getting the car smogged and inspected wasnt fun as well, poking and proding. it made me feel a little uneasy, knowing someone was doing something to my car that i didnt know how to do, but its there job, so i set those feelings aside. im just happy that my baby is back, so happy. i no longer have to use my sister's Carolla, which is small, and cramped. i drove it from bakersfield to texas, i wasnt to keen on driving the damned thing again.
i know for a fact that they wont make any attempt to try and build a bridge, so thats why i have to build it for them, so i can cross it, not them. im not trying to push myself on them, im trying to better understand them. it really urks me when people laugh at me, not because i made a joke or something, but because i failed at something. when they laughed at me for making that mistake, i wanted to leave, quit. right then and there, i would have thrown down my name tag and rubbed my hat into the floor. when is it EVER right to laugh at someone when they dont understand you? when is it EVER right for someone of authority, at your workplace, to mock you infront of other employees, openly, IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! that is what urks me, that is what pisses me off, is when someone of higher power mocks you due to ignorance. ill admit it, im ignorant to the spanish language and culture, but that doesnt give you the right to laugh at me because of it. ill be glad to see the day when that stupid bitch gets fired, and from what ive been hearing, its gonna be soon.
on to more positive things. umm, well theres only one i can think of off the top of my head, and that was getting my baby fixed. my baby Caroline, my car. i dont have a baby, just my car. i finally got her fixed. i need the brakes changed,, badly. and i guess i didnt know how badly enough. when i went to go and get my brakes changed, the original quote was going to be around $100 to get my brakes done, but when they took the tires off it was a whole different story. i guess i had worn into the rotars, and that was due to faulty calipers. so, on top of my brakes, i had to replace 2 calipers and 2 rotars, each costing about $100 a pop. so i ended up spending somewhere around $550. i know, i about shit myself as well. but thankfully i had my tax return in hand, and that happened to be about half. on top of it, i had to go and get my plates and license and changed as well, and getting the car smogged and inspected wasnt fun as well, poking and proding. it made me feel a little uneasy, knowing someone was doing something to my car that i didnt know how to do, but its there job, so i set those feelings aside. im just happy that my baby is back, so happy. i no longer have to use my sister's Carolla, which is small, and cramped. i drove it from bakersfield to texas, i wasnt to keen on driving the damned thing again.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Chance I Never Got
i just want to take this time to thank everyone who has been there for me in the past 4-5 months, because ive never have gotten around to actually thanking anyone, formally atleast. so here we go
amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end
kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me
ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.
kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends
mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.
mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me
amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end
kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me
ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.
kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends
mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.
mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
death on my shoulder
fuck my life, seriously
in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me
why?
this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham
im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it
but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap
i love you guys and just thought id update you
ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass
in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me
why?
this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham
im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it
but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap
i love you guys and just thought id update you
ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)