in dire need of a hug

if hugs could be my drug, id be considered an addict. i crave physical contact, especially right now, in this time of my life. i almost lost my sister, but she is healing at a remarkable rate, a point to where it is almost unreal. i also just lost my father, no he is not dead, physically, but he is dead to me on an emotional sense. he kicked me to the curb for a daughter that is going to run away. and no, i do not blame her, but i thank her.

why?

she showed me how much of a sick and thoughtless man my sperm donor is. he is one of the most despicable people i know on this planet, no he may not kill children or anything like that, but he leads people on, getting your hopes so high, even helping you, egging them on, then he crushes everything down with only a few words. "then pack your shit and leave" were the last words he said to my face, and i felt like a dagger go right through my heart. it pains me to even write this, because i know i no longer have someone to call 'dad'. deep down i know ill go on, i have for the past 10 years of my life, but i need to get to that deep down feeling. my nerves and emotions have been scrapped raw this past month. getting kicked out 4 days before xmas, my little sister almost making my mom kill herself, my other sister almost dying, my father disowning me because im gay, and that was in 2 weeks!

i moved away to get away from the drama, i moved 2 FUCKING STATES AWAY, but it somehow keeps finding me, no matter how far i move. some days i wish life would just come up with a silver platter, and on that platter would be keys to my new house in seattle, my new career, and a picture of my one and true love. but i know that wont happen, never in my wildest dreams will that ever happen. nothing has come to me on a silver platter, not even a bronze one. i just wish life would ease up a bit on me. im trying so hard, i really am. i wish everyone could see how hard im working, struggling more like it. ive tried so hard to find a good job, a nice job that i could tolerate, but mcdonalds happened to be my savior.

been there. done that.

if people could stop being so effing stupid and greedy and hatefull, life would be so much better, so much. i know im asking for alot, but could we just put down the beer can, put out the cigarrette and be civalized for like 5 seconds? is it truly that hard for you to fucking grow up, and take the blame for what you and your fucking whore of a wife have caused? is it really that hard? ive taken fault for my past, and what ive done, why cant you? its not that hard, just say 'im sorry for being a fucking shitty dad, and never being there for you like i should have' and mean it with fuck sincerity, not just to make me feel better. i want you to feel what youve done to me, what youve made of me. i want you to feel what ive felt for the past 10 years. no, i take that back. if i made you feel that, youd kill yourself because youre so weak and pittyfull. no longer will you have the right to call me your son, tell me youre my father, because youve lost that right. but you know what the sad part is? i now longer have anyone to call dad. i know im gonna have some pretty effed up relationships because of that too. i also know if i blame you for this, ill just make the problem worse.

so here it is.

im sorry for being such a shitty son, im sorry for not trying to call you more often, im sorry for letting you get so drunk that youd hit mom. im sorry that you smoked to much crystal meth to go to work and pass your drug test. im sorry that you went to jail all those times for public disputes at bars. im sorry for not doing anything at all because i was only 8.

but the only thing im sincerly sorry for is that little voice in your head that would say 'you know this is wrong, so why are you doing it?' im sorry because you killed that little voice a long time ago, and thats why you are where you are now, in a little shitty town, in a little shitty house, in your little shitty life.

im done, good night