Life in General at The Moment

well, here it goes, blog numero uno. thank you amanda for leading me here. i never thought that i would blog in my day, never had the passion to, but im doing this to vent, not solely, but thats one of the main puposes. as of right now, im done with life, ive been thrown one too many curve balls and im about to strike out. im at the edge of existince, and it feels like no one truely cares. Ive left my pittiful existince in texas to live here in arizona, but it feels like nothings changed, except the lack of chain smokers and alcoholics for romodels. im jobless, about to be broke, and single. im pretty sure the only thing that could be worse is if i was a quadroplegic or dead (i apologize to the quadroplegics, just making a similie) im so depressed tight now, even after i saw EVERYONE at new years, it doesnt change the fact that im still dead on the inside. those of you who know me, only know the venire i put on, the fake me, the one who is always happy go lucky, or soemthing along those lines. i spit in that mans face. if you were to really know me, the real me, youd shit a brick, but some of you who do know me do know that side, and i have to say im ashamed of myself for letting people know that side. im ashamed of myself for letting myself get that weak to where i needed to rely upon others for support. im supposed to be the rock, the support, the one whom people rely upon, but ive let myself get that weak, its all my own fault. there are those who have caused me to act that way, but in the end its all just me and my weaknesses.

one of them happens to be being alone. i cant stand being alone, but im sure no one likes to be alone, but i cant stand it. i have been alone for as long as i remember, i have no father, he ditched me about 11 years ago for some filthy whore he found in texas, which he knocked up and is now stuck with until the kid reaches 18, but he may leave before that because he did it with me, so im pretty sure he'll do it with his new kid. i dont resent his new son, but i feel sorry for him, because he will have to endure the hardships of having an alcoholic for a mother and father. i barely knew my father until this past summer, and i came to know him as the spineless good for nothing worm my mother recognizes him as. he has nothing to be proud of, drugs and women have ravaged his life, he has also fallen to the insetious temptaions of his cousins. im disgusted to call this man my father, yet im forced to because he happened to be my sperm donnar trying to get lucky with my mom, in which he succeeded. he also has inpossesion of the filthy, back stabbing whore im once again FORCED to call my sister. those of you who know what happened, you know what im talking about, for those of you who do know, ill wait for another blog post, im goin on somethin feirce here. if i were to meet with her in person, i can honestly say i would kill her, with my own two hands, and suffer any consequences that appear otherwise. she is dead to me, nothing but a two-bit whore looking to get her next fix on some other guy. i can understand that she grew up with out a father, but so did i. the only remotely wrong thing with me is im depressed like hell and a fag, but i can live with that. she on the other hand surrounds herself with older men and tries to get down their pants to make her feel better about herself, and making that guy feel better about raping a teenager, which im sure she lied about her age. i give her no credit anymore, i have no remorse for her anymore, she is nothing to me anymore, but why do i keep these horrible feelings towoards her? sure, she ruined my life, shattered the relationship that I BUILT between me and my father, the one I WORKED to build, and in less than 24 hours she ruined 6 months of hard work, my work. but alas, i have forgiven her for that, because it was my dad who played the biggest part in ruining our relationship, it was him who threw down the hammer, and shattered the thin glass bridge i had built to reconnect what was lost, and it is now he who must suffer. she just gets to sleep in the bed shes made for herself.

if you asked me a week ago how i felt about living here, but ask me now, im second guessing it. should i have kept my mouth shut, and lived unhappily, living with the whore who almost killed my mother? i couldnt do that to myself, but why am i still so unhappy, is it the lack of money? i can say that having all the money i did at my dads never made me happy, but now only being 6 hours awat from my mom and friends, i can say that im still unhappy, so i know its not money. am i just generally depressed? i dont know how to feel, but i try to look for that silver lining in the sky, try to embelish on the good parts of my life., but right now i cant for some reason. im sure i havent lost the ability to do so, because i can do it for other people, but just not for me at the moment. i know things are going to get better, but when will they get better? im not the one to be impatient with these things, but for once in my life id like things to be handed to ME on the silver platter, instead of having to fight tooth and nail to get the scraps of it. i can say that life hasnt been easy for me, but neither can the other 3/4 of the world. im just tired of having to work so hard for so little. i feel ive take three steps forward, but 10 steps back. i know im just ranting, but stay with me, i promise its going to get good. i know my friends are going to through some hard times, and im there for them, as their unbiased opinion. i just wish someone could be there for me, to reasure me when im going to make a big decission, someone to just be there for me. i have never asked for much in this measily life of mine, only here and there, but it wasnt anything big, i just want to feel like im safe here, but right now i dont feel safe anywhere, not even in my own bed. i say i know all these things, but in the end, what all do i really know? im only 18, i havent seen the world, i havent ventured anywhere, but when i talk to people older than me, why do they tell me that ive done more than them. sure ive worked 4 jobs, own my car, and have nice things, but none of them make me happy, not a single one. why have i, the one who has never been materialistic, surrounded myself with expensive toys and gifts? i squandered all that money i made out in texas. out of the 15k i made out there, i have $177.26 left in my bank account, and thats going to pay for my car insurance.

im scared at this point, not as scared as i should be, but im scared for what is going to happen in this meager life of mine. im not excited to jmp out of bed everyday and say hello to the morning, id rather give it the finger and say hello to the late afternoon. yes, i may be depressed, but i havent gone to get it clincally approved either. i just wish life wasnt going to be so hard, if i knew all of this was going to happen, i would have sucked it up and stayed at home with mom. im not ready for life, it hit me hard and fast, and im still dazed from it. some of you do have the comforts of knowing that things will be alright, that someone will be there to help you up off your knees when you get knocked down, and i dont envy you, im happy for you. to be honest, i do envy yyou a little, but not enough to ruin my friendship. maybe if i worked harder, id be in the same position, but no one ever told about it. i was just always told to go to college, and that life would be good after that, that everything would just magically appear and i would automaticaly be happy. i now realize that the rain has washed away the sugar coating and make-up to reveal one ugly bitch, i wish i was drunk for this one lol. my dad never wnt to college, he never even had the slightest idea of doing so, my mom did for a little but, but then it got boring for her so she quit. my sister has managed to get her general ed, and is getting her credentials to be a teacher, but she is the only one who can say she has graduated from college, and is going to further her education. is she happy? no, she and her husband are up to their neck in debt, and had to scrounge every nickle and dime just to get her in arizona. i know this because im living with them, in debt. but the weird thing is, she always manages to look past all that to see where she has managed to get herself, i just wish i could do the same. alas, its 1:30 in the morning, and i have to urinate, so goodnight and peace