not in the blgging mood.

thats how ive felt lately, just not in the mood, for anything really. work has consumed my soul, almost entirely. i feel like im on a downward spiral, into my oh-so-familiar pit of despair, which ive been visiting regularly lately. it has been a couple of things, to be honest. and ive compiled a list of said things:

1.) My douche bag of a sperm donor father
2.) Work (surprisingly this one is second)
3.) My personaly life going to shit
4.) That fucking speeding ticket
5.) Just life in general

these 5 things have kept me from achieving happiness, that and i think im clincially depressed, but who isnt these days? aside from that, these also happen to be my faults. my father has fucked my life indeffinatly, im always pussy whiped at work, ive never really have had a personal life, and my life just sucks on a 24/7 basis. i have my ups and downs, but nothing ever long term. i have this crazy idea that things will get better if i can find a bf, but i know it isnt true. im just sick of my life, i want my life to be like a video game, so i can hit the off button when i loose and come back to it when i feel like it, but that wouold be to easy, wouldnt it?

i just dont know how im going to deal with work AND school AND moving this august, i dont know if im going to survive, especially the way im feeling right now. i have no life, never have never will, work sucks, and im about to lose any friends ive made in the last six months, for the most part. i want to give up, but life moves on

w/e, im outie, its bed time

bad day

that doesnt even begin to describe the day i had today, i know its been awhile, almost a month. im tired, and i have to be up in 8 hours, so ill make this quick. im sure we've all contemplated death every now and again, but what would it take for one of us to actually go thru with it? would it be so much as a crapy day, or so much as a family member dying. all i know is that is was on my mind today, and i didnt want to go away. i know i have complete control over my thoughts, but these were out of my grasp, and flooded my mind, the scenarios that i played thru my mind, were semi-maschocistic, to say the least. im not going to go into detail, but they were bad. the way i deal with my emotions is not thru self mutalation, but thru pshycological mutalation, playing these scenes in my head for what it would be like for me to die, experiencing my own funeral, in a 3rd person perspective, and what it would be like for my friends and family to go on without me. i know it wouldnt be that grave of a loss, my mom has 4 other kids and my friends are stronger than that. but why would i do this to myself, i know im too much of a pussy to actually cut myself, but this pshycological terrorism im playing on myself, why do i do it? is it because daddy was never there, or mommy never loved me? i dont have the answers to these questions, i dont i expect you to, i just expect you to listen nonchalantley and nod your head like you give a damn, or something along those lines. this blog was due to a number of transactions that occurred today, that built up to a breaking point i had, and the realization of what manifested from it.

so now i bid you all a good night