A Chance I Never Got

i just want to take this time to thank everyone who has been there for me in the past 4-5 months, because ive never have gotten around to actually thanking anyone, formally atleast. so here we go

amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end

kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me

ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.

kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends

mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.

mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me

death on my shoulder

fuck my life, seriously

in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me

why?

this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham

im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it

but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap

i love you guys and just thought id update you


ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass

a side blog

so i started a side blog, pertaining to my new work life, which is quite funny. go read it. now. jewboy3000.blogspot.com

FUCK YOUR FRIES!!

AND FUCK MCDONALDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today was the third time theyve had to send me home, due some sort of technical issue. first it was that they didnt have my uniform, understandable, then it was because they wanted to switch me to anothwer mcdonalds, ok thats cool, then they switched me back to the one im SUPPOSED to be working at now, now its because they dont have my uniform.

im done, i knew this jib was going to be to good to be true

but i applied to another place, they sounded promising

if i get this new job, its fuck you to mcdonalds

madcore

rawr

so, ive been reading everyone's blogs lately, and they all seem kinda downer-ish. i know times are rough, and things look pretty grim, but go out and party. i did this weekend, and there is only one word to describe my past weekend, epic.

hold on little birdies, ill feed ya, lol

my sister in law invited me to a lingerie party on friday, so im like omf, naked people. the thought never crossed my mind of me being naked, but as it would be, i found myself strutting around this party for the most part, in my boxers and a t-shirt. it was so much fun, and yes, alcohol was involved. what is a college party without a keg and some jello shooters? stagnet and boring, thats what it is!!!! lol, i met 3 of the coolest girls in this whole town, and some very good looking ausies, emphasis on good looking, lol. so the party ended, amd i had no clue how i ended up on the couch with a half naked ausie on the floor next to me, and no we didnt do anything, im pretty sure i would have remembered something like that.

so i fix us some grub and make our way to the pool to chillax for a couple hours, after that we get invited to an ASU rugby party, intense? yes. it was amazing, but i was in no place to go looking for a man, i wasnt drunk enough to get my ass physically castrated in front of half of ASU's rugby team, but i once again met some really cool people.

all in all, i had an amazing weekend, im not going to write about sunday bc im still sulking :'(

in dire need of a hug

if hugs could be my drug, id be considered an addict. i crave physical contact, especially right now, in this time of my life. i almost lost my sister, but she is healing at a remarkable rate, a point to where it is almost unreal. i also just lost my father, no he is not dead, physically, but he is dead to me on an emotional sense. he kicked me to the curb for a daughter that is going to run away. and no, i do not blame her, but i thank her.

why?

she showed me how much of a sick and thoughtless man my sperm donor is. he is one of the most despicable people i know on this planet, no he may not kill children or anything like that, but he leads people on, getting your hopes so high, even helping you, egging them on, then he crushes everything down with only a few words. "then pack your shit and leave" were the last words he said to my face, and i felt like a dagger go right through my heart. it pains me to even write this, because i know i no longer have someone to call 'dad'. deep down i know ill go on, i have for the past 10 years of my life, but i need to get to that deep down feeling. my nerves and emotions have been scrapped raw this past month. getting kicked out 4 days before xmas, my little sister almost making my mom kill herself, my other sister almost dying, my father disowning me because im gay, and that was in 2 weeks!

i moved away to get away from the drama, i moved 2 FUCKING STATES AWAY, but it somehow keeps finding me, no matter how far i move. some days i wish life would just come up with a silver platter, and on that platter would be keys to my new house in seattle, my new career, and a picture of my one and true love. but i know that wont happen, never in my wildest dreams will that ever happen. nothing has come to me on a silver platter, not even a bronze one. i just wish life would ease up a bit on me. im trying so hard, i really am. i wish everyone could see how hard im working, struggling more like it. ive tried so hard to find a good job, a nice job that i could tolerate, but mcdonalds happened to be my savior.

been there. done that.

if people could stop being so effing stupid and greedy and hatefull, life would be so much better, so much. i know im asking for alot, but could we just put down the beer can, put out the cigarrette and be civalized for like 5 seconds? is it truly that hard for you to fucking grow up, and take the blame for what you and your fucking whore of a wife have caused? is it really that hard? ive taken fault for my past, and what ive done, why cant you? its not that hard, just say 'im sorry for being a fucking shitty dad, and never being there for you like i should have' and mean it with fuck sincerity, not just to make me feel better. i want you to feel what youve done to me, what youve made of me. i want you to feel what ive felt for the past 10 years. no, i take that back. if i made you feel that, youd kill yourself because youre so weak and pittyfull. no longer will you have the right to call me your son, tell me youre my father, because youve lost that right. but you know what the sad part is? i now longer have anyone to call dad. i know im gonna have some pretty effed up relationships because of that too. i also know if i blame you for this, ill just make the problem worse.

so here it is.

im sorry for being such a shitty son, im sorry for not trying to call you more often, im sorry for letting you get so drunk that youd hit mom. im sorry that you smoked to much crystal meth to go to work and pass your drug test. im sorry that you went to jail all those times for public disputes at bars. im sorry for not doing anything at all because i was only 8.

but the only thing im sincerly sorry for is that little voice in your head that would say 'you know this is wrong, so why are you doing it?' im sorry because you killed that little voice a long time ago, and thats why you are where you are now, in a little shitty town, in a little shitty house, in your little shitty life.

im done, good night

Gah

life seriously sucks right now. why??

i just found out my sister was emitted to the hospital last night due to first and second degree burns on her face and ears. she also inhaled some of the fire so it partially burned her lungs, so shes in the oxygen unit at shermans hospital down in la. theyre saying she will need surgery to removed some of the burnt skin on her face, and they will have to put her under because it will be too painfull if she was awake. i feel so bad right now for her, she was so self-concious about her face due to her acne before this, but im sure she wont even want to walk outside the house now, let alone go to school

there is one and only one person to blame for this, and his name is sean. he thought it would be a bright idea to dump some gasoline into a bon fire my sister was sitting next to. the bon fire exploded and burned my sister, also inaling the fire. i was shocked to find out that this had happened, i thought he would know better than to do something so idiotic, but ive been wrong about people before. im so worried and scared right now, thank god ill be there to see her this weekend.

to top all of this off, i have to testify in court against my dad, or the man im supposed to call my dad. i know how some of you a very close with your fathers, and have decent relationships with them, i just wish i could say the same. he divorced my mom when i was 8, and then left for texas. 3 years later he came back with the whore who is now known as my stepmother, already knocked up. he then left for texas three years after moving back to bakersfield. he never called, and if we did talk to him, we were the ones who called. hes never been there for me or my sisters, we always had to initiate anything remotely concerning a relationship with him. thats why i have no remorse testifying against him in court. im sure things would be different if he would have had the backbone to try and have a relationship with us, but he doesnt because hes nothing but a worthless worm. say what you want about having a father in your life, but ive come this far without one, im sure i can go on in life without him as well.

im just done with life right now at the moment, nothing positive has hapened to me other than the mcd's job, which will get its own blog, but my battery is dying, so im off. peace and love