Thursday, March 12, 2009
these feelings
ive been having these feelings lately. feelings of emptiness, feelings of despair. i dont know, ive just been kind of down lately. after having to deny that company my place in its company, it just went downhill from there. i guess i just got comfortable where i am, working a regular job, making money again, albiet a fraction of what i was making, its an income again. i really dont know what to do again, im barely surviving. i feel like im drowning, but not that kind of "out in the middle of the ocean with noo life raft" kind of drowning, im talking about the "i was knocked out and am now drowning in 3" of water" kind of drowning, the kind where youd be embarassed if people found out you died like that. i feel, stuck. like im in a rut, in a big rut, i did happen to hit a nice little high point in this rut, but now i feel like im at the lowest point in this "rut". i see no more high points, just a plateu of emptiness. the worst part if it is, is that i feel alone, very alone. i know you guys are there for me, you guys have been there for me more than every, and i thank you. but this feeling, this feeling of emptiness and lonliness, its horrible. i cant stand it, i really cant. that, and being pooped 24/7 doesnt help either, i know i have no right to complain, because all of you are either in school or are starting new careers, where am i? the smae place i was before i moved to TX, at a mcdonalds. and im aware, i put myself in this position. i chose to be here, it was my choice. now i get to suffer for them. but the thing is, i dont wanna suffer. i want to thrive, but its so hard, i really do wanna succeed. im at a loss right now, i truly am. and i dont know where to go.
its been awhile
it has been, but i have stories as well as rants, to fill that ever so minuscule void in your life, that only i can fill, lol. well, lets see, what have i done? i think im slowly, but surely filling that void at work known as language. i practice it every day at work, trying to learn more and more, and peel away the adversity between me and the other employees. its so frustrating, working somewhere where two languages are spoken, and some people only know that one language, others try to learn, thankfully im onr of those people. there is only one person i can thank for this, mrs diangelo. my good ol' spanish teacher, from a good 3-4 years ago. i may not have payed much attention in class, but i payed enough to communicate, and i thank her for teaching it to me. i dont know if you guys can say this, but getting asked to bring the tea dispensers back, and mistaking "tea pot" with "coffee pot" is one of the most embarassing things i have been through in a long time. to have your manager and fellow employees laugh at you because YOU couldnt understand THEM.
i know for a fact that they wont make any attempt to try and build a bridge, so thats why i have to build it for them, so i can cross it, not them. im not trying to push myself on them, im trying to better understand them. it really urks me when people laugh at me, not because i made a joke or something, but because i failed at something. when they laughed at me for making that mistake, i wanted to leave, quit. right then and there, i would have thrown down my name tag and rubbed my hat into the floor. when is it EVER right to laugh at someone when they dont understand you? when is it EVER right for someone of authority, at your workplace, to mock you infront of other employees, openly, IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! that is what urks me, that is what pisses me off, is when someone of higher power mocks you due to ignorance. ill admit it, im ignorant to the spanish language and culture, but that doesnt give you the right to laugh at me because of it. ill be glad to see the day when that stupid bitch gets fired, and from what ive been hearing, its gonna be soon.
on to more positive things. umm, well theres only one i can think of off the top of my head, and that was getting my baby fixed. my baby Caroline, my car. i dont have a baby, just my car. i finally got her fixed. i need the brakes changed,, badly. and i guess i didnt know how badly enough. when i went to go and get my brakes changed, the original quote was going to be around $100 to get my brakes done, but when they took the tires off it was a whole different story. i guess i had worn into the rotars, and that was due to faulty calipers. so, on top of my brakes, i had to replace 2 calipers and 2 rotars, each costing about $100 a pop. so i ended up spending somewhere around $550. i know, i about shit myself as well. but thankfully i had my tax return in hand, and that happened to be about half. on top of it, i had to go and get my plates and license and changed as well, and getting the car smogged and inspected wasnt fun as well, poking and proding. it made me feel a little uneasy, knowing someone was doing something to my car that i didnt know how to do, but its there job, so i set those feelings aside. im just happy that my baby is back, so happy. i no longer have to use my sister's Carolla, which is small, and cramped. i drove it from bakersfield to texas, i wasnt to keen on driving the damned thing again.
i know for a fact that they wont make any attempt to try and build a bridge, so thats why i have to build it for them, so i can cross it, not them. im not trying to push myself on them, im trying to better understand them. it really urks me when people laugh at me, not because i made a joke or something, but because i failed at something. when they laughed at me for making that mistake, i wanted to leave, quit. right then and there, i would have thrown down my name tag and rubbed my hat into the floor. when is it EVER right to laugh at someone when they dont understand you? when is it EVER right for someone of authority, at your workplace, to mock you infront of other employees, openly, IN FRONT OF YOU?!?! that is what urks me, that is what pisses me off, is when someone of higher power mocks you due to ignorance. ill admit it, im ignorant to the spanish language and culture, but that doesnt give you the right to laugh at me because of it. ill be glad to see the day when that stupid bitch gets fired, and from what ive been hearing, its gonna be soon.
on to more positive things. umm, well theres only one i can think of off the top of my head, and that was getting my baby fixed. my baby Caroline, my car. i dont have a baby, just my car. i finally got her fixed. i need the brakes changed,, badly. and i guess i didnt know how badly enough. when i went to go and get my brakes changed, the original quote was going to be around $100 to get my brakes done, but when they took the tires off it was a whole different story. i guess i had worn into the rotars, and that was due to faulty calipers. so, on top of my brakes, i had to replace 2 calipers and 2 rotars, each costing about $100 a pop. so i ended up spending somewhere around $550. i know, i about shit myself as well. but thankfully i had my tax return in hand, and that happened to be about half. on top of it, i had to go and get my plates and license and changed as well, and getting the car smogged and inspected wasnt fun as well, poking and proding. it made me feel a little uneasy, knowing someone was doing something to my car that i didnt know how to do, but its there job, so i set those feelings aside. im just happy that my baby is back, so happy. i no longer have to use my sister's Carolla, which is small, and cramped. i drove it from bakersfield to texas, i wasnt to keen on driving the damned thing again.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Chance I Never Got
i just want to take this time to thank everyone who has been there for me in the past 4-5 months, because ive never have gotten around to actually thanking anyone, formally atleast. so here we go
amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end
kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me
ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.
kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends
mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.
mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me
amanda- youve been there for me like no friend ever has. we've both shared our accomplishments, and our sorrows, and we still do. im so happy that in this last year our friendship has evolved into something so close i could almost call you my sister. ive even got the chance to meet the majority of your family (and yes your mom does love me more than you, lol) your such a great friend, and so smart, youve been there for me, and i hope im always going to be there for you, throu thick and thin my friend, till the end
kristen- you to, like amanda, have been an amazing friend this past year. i met you guys about the same time, but still have the same amount of strength in our friendship as any of my other friends. i have texted/im'd you at ungodly hours, and yet you still lent me your ear, that is a true friend. youre always there, for a god-honest oppinion, and laying out the facts. i know that youd do anything to help me, and you can rest assured that id do the same for you. and a plus for you is that youre dating one of my other best friends, so the two of you make one amazing super firend, hahahahaha. just know that im always here, as are you for me
ariel- i still remember the day i met you, while shoe shopping with a friend, when i run into none other than you and mics. the second she saw me the first words out of her mouth were, "oh god, its travis" and our continuous banter of "your mom" jokes. that was your first impression of me, and im happy that it has almost stuck. i say almost because you have also seen the sublte yet tender side of me, which im happy about, because i only show that side to my most trustworthy friends. granted i dont show that side often, but know ill only show it to you guys, because of how much i love you guys.
kristin- no, i didnt forget about you. how could i forget you, miss ballhog, lol. our times together have been short, but the most fun ive had in a long time. youre always the smart one, the concious of the group, and i thank you, because if someone like that wasnt around, id probably be dead, seriously. we've only been friends for a short time, but i think ive gotten to know you a lot in that short amount of time. i hope that, with time, we can become even better friends
mics- oh micsy-poo, what can i say about you? how incredibly synical you are, or how ridicuously sarcastic you can be. either way, youve been the greastest friend. whether it be our adventures in econ (which you rarely showed up for), or in goverment (which you rarely showed up for as well, and no excuses, you told me yourself but-nut). but i love you anyways, all the great times we shared, from the "your mom" jokes in econ, to the point where we didnt even have to utter insults at each other, we just gave each other a "look", or even the spoken essay for hagar, which was AMAZING!!! i just know that youve been the greatest friend and person, when youre there, lol.
mom- i know youll never get to read this, but youve been my first most, and greatest friend over the years. i didnt even have to tell you i was gay, you just knew, and i love you for that. you know me that well, kind of creepy, but i am your son after all. you still loved me even after all those horrible things i said, and ran away, you were still there for me. granted, it did take a dog dying to get us on speaking terms again, which im not proud of, but none the less im happy were as close as weve ever been before. your the best mom i could ever ask for, even with all of your bumbs, scrapes, and flaws, it justr makes me love you for that person even more. you have been my guide in life more than you will ever know, and i look up to you and brag about you whenever i can. the single parent who raised 5 kids on her own, and 3 out of 5 are fairly succesfull, not too shabby if i say so myself, seeing as how im one of those three, lol. i just wanted to say thanks, for being there for me
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
death on my shoulder
fuck my life, seriously
in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me
why?
this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham
im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it
but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap
i love you guys and just thought id update you
ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass
in all honesty, i contemplated death today, not even kidding. the kind of "go out and find a gun to blow my brains out" kind of death, the kind there is no possible way for reviving me
why?
this job that ive been so excited about, the job i spent 1/4 tank of gas on, the job which i went all the way to a second interview for, was a complete and utter sham
im not going to go into the logistics, but im fucking tired of applying for jobs, sick of it
but i dont have a choice, i cant support myself at mcdonalds. so i dpont have time to complain, i need to find a better job asap
i love you guys and just thought id update you
ps, mcdonalds gets worse everyday i go into work, they have this way of pissing me off more and more as the days pass
Sunday, February 8, 2009
a side blog
so i started a side blog, pertaining to my new work life, which is quite funny. go read it. now. jewboy3000.blogspot.com
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
FUCK YOUR FRIES!!
AND FUCK MCDONALDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
today was the third time theyve had to send me home, due some sort of technical issue. first it was that they didnt have my uniform, understandable, then it was because they wanted to switch me to anothwer mcdonalds, ok thats cool, then they switched me back to the one im SUPPOSED to be working at now, now its because they dont have my uniform.
im done, i knew this jib was going to be to good to be true
but i applied to another place, they sounded promising
if i get this new job, its fuck you to mcdonalds
madcore
today was the third time theyve had to send me home, due some sort of technical issue. first it was that they didnt have my uniform, understandable, then it was because they wanted to switch me to anothwer mcdonalds, ok thats cool, then they switched me back to the one im SUPPOSED to be working at now, now its because they dont have my uniform.
im done, i knew this jib was going to be to good to be true
but i applied to another place, they sounded promising
if i get this new job, its fuck you to mcdonalds
madcore
Monday, February 2, 2009
rawr
so, ive been reading everyone's blogs lately, and they all seem kinda downer-ish. i know times are rough, and things look pretty grim, but go out and party. i did this weekend, and there is only one word to describe my past weekend, epic.
hold on little birdies, ill feed ya, lol
my sister in law invited me to a lingerie party on friday, so im like omf, naked people. the thought never crossed my mind of me being naked, but as it would be, i found myself strutting around this party for the most part, in my boxers and a t-shirt. it was so much fun, and yes, alcohol was involved. what is a college party without a keg and some jello shooters? stagnet and boring, thats what it is!!!! lol, i met 3 of the coolest girls in this whole town, and some very good looking ausies, emphasis on good looking, lol. so the party ended, amd i had no clue how i ended up on the couch with a half naked ausie on the floor next to me, and no we didnt do anything, im pretty sure i would have remembered something like that.
so i fix us some grub and make our way to the pool to chillax for a couple hours, after that we get invited to an ASU rugby party, intense? yes. it was amazing, but i was in no place to go looking for a man, i wasnt drunk enough to get my ass physically castrated in front of half of ASU's rugby team, but i once again met some really cool people.
all in all, i had an amazing weekend, im not going to write about sunday bc im still sulking :'(
hold on little birdies, ill feed ya, lol
my sister in law invited me to a lingerie party on friday, so im like omf, naked people. the thought never crossed my mind of me being naked, but as it would be, i found myself strutting around this party for the most part, in my boxers and a t-shirt. it was so much fun, and yes, alcohol was involved. what is a college party without a keg and some jello shooters? stagnet and boring, thats what it is!!!! lol, i met 3 of the coolest girls in this whole town, and some very good looking ausies, emphasis on good looking, lol. so the party ended, amd i had no clue how i ended up on the couch with a half naked ausie on the floor next to me, and no we didnt do anything, im pretty sure i would have remembered something like that.
so i fix us some grub and make our way to the pool to chillax for a couple hours, after that we get invited to an ASU rugby party, intense? yes. it was amazing, but i was in no place to go looking for a man, i wasnt drunk enough to get my ass physically castrated in front of half of ASU's rugby team, but i once again met some really cool people.
all in all, i had an amazing weekend, im not going to write about sunday bc im still sulking :'(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)